Moving Towards Forgiveness.

Yesterday afternoon, I spoke with someone that I hadn’t spoken to in over 2 years. I am angry at this person, because they said some very mean things to me 2 years ago, and this person has not apologized. It was a very stressful time in our lives at that point, and emotions were uncontrolled. For once though, I did NOT retaliate. At that point in my life, I was too beaten down and broken to respond back to the hurtful comments, so instead, I absorbed them. I felt attacked. I felt abandoned. I felt alone. I still feel that way, for the most part when it comes to this particular relationship, and those relationships connected to it. Those hurtful comments have festered inside of me for close to 2 years.

When the phone rang, I looked at the caller ID (Yes, we screen our phone calls), and I briefly thought of not picking up (again). This person has called our house before, and I always let it go to the machine. I always felt like I didn’t have the energy to talk to this person.

But yesterday was different. I knew that I still didn't have the strength, but maybe I had the compassion and kindness, somewhere in me. So, I picked up the phone. It was a brief phone call, 12 minutes and 36 seconds. But, what do you say to a person who has hurt you? I couldn’t be the active person in the conversation. If I had tried to, I know I would have gotten angry and asked why I haven’t gotten an apology. But, I sat and listened, I answered questions when asked, but I didn’t push the conversation. After 12 minutes and 36 seconds, the conversation fizzled. We said goodbye.

Do I feel better? No.
Do I feel consoled? No.
Did I get an apology? No.
Did I do the right thing, by picking up the phone? Yes.
Does the other person feel better? Maybe. Who Knows.

Maybe this is the first step on the path to forgiveness, I don’t know. I feel horrible, but is it too much to ask for an apology? Or, does forgiving someone forgo the need for an apology? Is that fair to me? I am probably one of the most forgiving people you’ll ever meet – but there are some things that deserve an apology, or at least an acknowledgement.

Sigh.